


Confessions

by cassbutt_67



Series: To Speak the Language of Flowers [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcoholism, Anxiety Disorder, Barista Castiel, Caring Dean, Dating, Destiel - Freeform, Don't worry, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Dates, Florist Dean, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse, Supernatural AU - Freeform, Sweet, it ends well, these guys are smitten
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2016-08-03
Packaged: 2018-07-29 02:54:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7667515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cassbutt_67/pseuds/cassbutt_67
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel and Dean have gone on multiple dates at this point, but Cas isn't sure they're "dating". He's also not entirely sure Dean would even want to be with him if he knew the details behind his anxiety disorder. But he needs to know, if this is to continue, will Dean be able to handle his confession?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confessions

**Author's Note:**

> Part four! 
> 
> I'll be updating this weekly from now on, if you're interested :)  
> This one might be triggering for some people, just a heads up (see the tags), but I think it ends nicely. I'd love feedback if you'll give it! And kudos if you like it, of course. 
> 
> Also looking for prompt suggestions...for this series or just an Destiel prompts in general. Let me know if you've got any!
> 
> (I do not own any part of Supernatural/ its characters, but storyline is mine)

Castiel went on his second date with Dean the following week. And a third the week after that. Tonight he would prepare for their  _ fourth  _ date, less than a week after their third. 

Charlie was over this morning having a coffee with Cas. He refilled her cup and sat at the kitchen table across from her. 

“So you’re seeing him  _ again _ ?” she asked, taking a sip.

Cas nodded, smiling into his cup. “Mhm. This is the second time this week.”

Charlie shook her head. “I’m amazed. You guys really get along huh?”

“Why sound so surprised? Do you doubt my ability to woo attractive men?” he wiggled his eyebrows.

“No,” Charlie snorted. “No, not in the least. I mean I’m amazed by how much you’ve changed.”

“Changed?” he tilted his head. “How so?”

“Well, you and Dean have been dating for like a month. And you really seem a lot happier. Less stressed.”

“I don’t know if we’re ‘dating’...”

“What do you mean?”

Castiel sighed. “I mean I don’t know if he considers me his… you know, his  _ boyfriend _ . But yes, I think you’re right, I’ve been less anxious.”

“Maybe you should ask if you’re his ‘boyfriend’ then,” she mimicked his air quotes.

He shifted in his seat. “I don’t know, what I scare him off?”

“That’s not going to happen. He’s going on a fourth date isn’t he? After a month? And he’s the one who initiated the flower lingo.”

“True. Maybe I could say something…I nearly hugged him last time,” a smile smile crept to his lips.

“Riveting,” Charlie teased.

“And we hold hands,” he said, seeming not to have heard her.

She gave him a look. “You sound like a couple.”

He shrugged.  “Anyway, I have a really good feeling about this.”

“I do, too.”

After Charlie left Cas made himself some lunch and spent the rest of the day cleaning the flat, doing laundry, and reading. It was a slow day, but he was fine with it. It was nice to relax a little. Around 3:30pm, his phone rang.

“Hello, Dean,” he answered.

“Hey, Cas,” Dean said on the other line. “How’s it going?”

“I’m doing well today. You?”

“I’m great, actually. But I was wondering about our date tonight…”

Castiel’s heart sank. Here it was. But instead of cancelling, Dean asked, “How would you feel about coming to my place for a while before dinner? Sam’s coming over for a bit and I’d like you to meet him.”

When Cas didn’t respond right away, he added, “I’d be making us dinner. And Sammy has to leave by 6:00pm so our date would still be just us and-”

“Yes,” Cas cut in, finally able to speak. “Yes, I would love to meet Sam. I’m sorry, it’s just I, well I thought you were going to cancel.”

“Why would I do that? I’ve been looking forward to this all week.” Cas was quite glad Dean couldn’t see how furiously he was blushing right now. “So you want me to pick you up?”

“Sure, yes. Give me twenty minutes?”

“Absolutely. I’ll text you when I get to your building.”

“Okay. See you soon.”

Normally Castiel was not one to like straying from schedules, but this was fantastic news. He quickly changed into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, brushed his teeth, and tried (unsuccessfully) to tame his hair. When he received Dean’s text, he took his keys and headed out the door.

“Hey, I’m sorry about changing plans,” said Dean as Cas got into the passenger seat. “I just figured I’d invite you over to meet Sam while he’s here. It’s about time he meets you.”

“It’s no trouble, Dean. I’ll be glad to meet him.”

They drove a few blocks down and turned two corners, stopping in front of a Victorian-style building with paint chipping from the siding. Dean shut off the car and hopped out. “It’s nicer inside, I promise,” he said as he noticed Cas studying the architecture.

“I like it, it’s got character,” he replied.

They ascended two flights of stairs before reaching Dean’s door, a worn coppery “12A” tacked to the wood. Upon entering, Castiel was faced with possibly the homiest flat he had ever seen. The doorway opened into a small living room with wooden floors and a plush but slightly dishevelled brown sofa beside which was a green armchair. On the wall opposite the sofa sat a coffee table and a TV stand with a rather outdated TV on a blue woven area rug. Two large windows divided the wall space between the living room and a full kitchen with maple cabinets and a little oval table complete with three chairs. The sunlight through the windows on the floors lit up the place, giving it a warm, inviting glow, and the view of the city outside made it perfectly picturesque. 

“Make yourself at home,” Dean said, removing his shoes and heading to the kitchen. Cas followed suit. “Washroom’s just around the corner there if you need it.” He indicated a carpeted hallway just past the kitchen where Cas saw the door to the washroom and another door crosswise to it, which he assumed was Dean’s bedroom. Dean placed his keys on the counter and opened one of the cabinets to take out two glasses. “Want some water?” he asked.

“Yes, thank you.”

He took the glass from Dean, who gestured for him to sit beside him on the couch. “Sam should be here any minute,” he informed Cas. “How’s your week going?”

They talked for only about ten minutes before a knock came at the door. Dean stood to open it, revealing a man who was nearly two meters tall embraced him heartily, his chin-length hair falling from behind his ears. 

“Good to see you, Sammy.”

“You too, Dean,” Sam smiled.

“Sam, this is Castiel. Cas, this is my little brother Sam.”

Sam kicked off his boots and went to shake Cas’ hand. “It’s so good to finally meet you!” he said warmly. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

“Likewise,” said Cas. “I’m happy to meet you, too.”

Sam sat himself in the arm chair while Castiel reclaimed his place on the sofa. Dean brought out a pitcher of iced tea and set it on the coffee table, setting a glass in front of Sam.

“So you’re attending university, Sam? Dean tells me you’re studying law.”

“Yeah, I’m studying to be a lawyer,” Sam replied, pouring himself a glass. “Dean thinks it’s dense and boring but I really enjoy it. You study bees?”

“Well, not at the moment no,” said Cas. “I work at Harvelle’s. I graduated two years ago from a university back east. But there were some… issues afterward.”

“Ah, it’ll work out man. Ellen’s place is nice anyway. Until you can get your apiary going.” 

After an hour and a half of talking and sharing stories, Dean stood and made his way to the kitchen, removing various items from the refrigerator and cupboards. 

“I’m just gonna get dinner started,” he said, grabbing a cutting board from one of the cupboards.

“Yeah, I’m gonna head out,” Sam said as he stood. “It’s good to see you, Dean. And great to meet you, Cas.”

Castiel shook his hand again before Dean came and clapped him on the back. “See ya, Sammy. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Sure thing,” he put his boots back on and closed the door behind him with a wave.

“So whatcha think?” Dean asked, continuing to chop onions and garlic.

“Your brother is kind, I like him.”

“That’s actually a relief,” he admitted.

“Why?” Cas sat himself at the kitchen table.

Dean glanced at him over his shoulder. “Ah, well because I want you to like him.”

“Dean?” Now seemed as good a time as any to ask. 

“Yeah?” 

“Are we--am I… Do you consider me your boyfriend?” His heart was beginning to hammer against his chest. Why was he so nervous asking about this?

Dean stopped chopping and turned to face Castiel. Approaching him at the table, Dean took both his hands in his own. Cas could feel his heart flutter in his throat.

“If you’re okay with that, then yes I would really like to consider you my boyfriend. I like you a lot, Cas.”

Castiel bit his lip, but it did little to stop the grin from spreading across his face. “I’m very much okay with it. I like you a lot too, Dean.”

He stood and slowly wrapped his arms around the slightly taller man’s neck, burying his face in his shoulder and inhaling deeply. Dean’s arms tightened around his waist, bringing a comfort to Cas he hadn’t felt before. Dean ran his hand slowly up his back.

“I’m so happy to hear you say that, Cas. Thank you for coming over.”

They broke apart and Castiel began helping Dean chopping the vegetables. As they sat down for dinner about an hour later, they began what started out as a light conversation, discussing various flower species and different types of pollinators. But somehow, they got onto the subject of alcohol.

“It ate away at me for a long time,” Dean said, staring at nothing in particular on the table.

Cas swallowed a bite of his turkey burger. “Do you mind me asking what happened?”

Dean took a deep breath and glanced up at Castiel, biting his lip. “You know how I said my dad wasn’t around so much?”

Cas nodded.

“Well, when he was, he was a nasty son-of-a-bitch.”

Cas’ face grew more concerned. “He… he hurt you?”

Dean nodded curtly. “Yup. Almost every day. I made sure he never touched a hair on Sam’s head though. Anyway, I guess that’s probably what started the whole drinking thing. It didn’t really start until Sam was older, like maybe around 17. I didn’t want him to think anything was wrong, you know? He knows how dad was to me, but still. I didn’t want him to worry.”

Castiel’s blood boiled. “He  _ hit  _ you?”

Their eyes met. “Yeah, Cas. It is what it is. No reason to be upset about it now.”

“Of course there is, he shouldn’t have--”

“Hey, man I’m okay now aren’t I? I mean look at me, I’ve got my own business and a crazy smart boyfriend and my brother’s going to university. What more could I ask for?”

“I appreciate the compliment, Dean, I really do. But it just makes me so angry that people just think they can take someone else’s life in their hands when they’re too small to do anything about it and just  _ fuck  _ them over for the rest of their life.” He didn’t realise his voice was rising. Dean was slightly taken aback, but Cas continued. “It’s just not  _ fair _ . It’s not _ right _ . You should have been able to have a normal childhood!” At this point, tears were beginning to spill unconsciously from Castiel’s eyes and Dean was slowly rising from his chair. “Nobody  _ deserves  _ that! What kind of person would do such a thing…” 

“Cas,” Dean said gently. 

“I mean, you were just a  _ kid _ , Dean!”

“Castiel?”

“I’m so sorry, Dean.” He hid his face in his hands, trying to stop his heart from beating right out of his chest. “I’ve ruined it.”

“Can I put my arm around you?” He was kneeling beside Cas’ chair. 

“Yes,” he said, collapsing into Dean’s side, breathing erratically. Dean put his arm around Castiel and led him to the couch, where he sat beside him. He rubbed slow circles around Cas’ back for what seemed like ages before he finally looked up from his hands.

“I--I’m sorry, Dean.”

“No need to be sorry,” he shook his head. “Are you okay? I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I’ll be fine, it’s not your fault. I just, I get upset about these things.”

“Did something happen, Cas? What was it that triggered you?” His voice was soothing to Cas as he contemplated how much he should reveal. Would this scare him away? He seemed understanding… and Cas felt like he was beginning to trust him more quickly than with anyone he ever had before. He may as well go for it. He may as well know now if this was something Dean could deal with if he was going to be with him.

“Yes,” he swallowed. “Yes, something happened. I told you I didn’t have much of a childhood.”

Dean nodded, starting to rub Cas’ back again.

“When I was small, I was… well I was uh--abused. Sexually. By my… by one of my cousins. And it--” his voice was quavering, but he continued, attempting to dry his sweating palms on the thighs of his jeans. “It went on for several years. And I obviously didn’t know what was really happening, but it really,  _ seriously  _ fucked me up. And my parents found out, they were horrified and my cousin was punished somehow, I really don’t remember.” The words were coming out rapidly, as if his speech was trying to keep up with his thoughts. “But nobody knew what to do. Which seems  _ stupid  _ to me now. Like the  _ least  _ they could have done was send me to therapy long term. I went once.  _ Once.  _ And that was it. They pretended nothing happened. It’s like they couldn’t deal with it. They couldn’t stand the thought of it so they pretended I was fine. They ignored my panic attacks, which happened more and more frequently the older I got. I tried to suppress it, I really did. But, as you probably know, that doesn’t work.” 

He ran his hands over his face, waiting for Dean to back away. To say he couldn’t handle any more. But he didn’t. He sat there with his arm protectively around Castiel’s shoulders and listened intently, his eyebrows knit in a look of concern. 

Cas sighed and continued, “I graduated high school, then university. Just focusing on my studies, nothing else. When I graduated university, I had nothing left to focus on. I had to face these things and it caused me to have a--uh--pretty bad breakdown that sent me to the hospital. They told me I had developed a severe anxiety disorder and PTSD. As soon as I got out, I came here. I needed to be away from that place. My parents are always concerned about me here, but I’ve been doing so well…” His voice trailed off. 

He looked into Dean’s eyes and said, “I understand if this is too much for you. I haven’t had a real relationship in a very long time. Hell, I hadn’t even been on a date in years before you. I know I’m screwed up, but I really like you and… I just want to be okay.”

To his surprise, Dean pulled him into a tight hug and said quietly to him, “Cas, I will  _ not  _ leave you just because you’ve got baggage. I’ve felt screwed up my whole life, too. And I don’t think anything you’ve told me is more than I can handle. I really like you, and I’m so glad you trust me enough to tell me all of this. If there’s  _ ever  _ anything I’m doing that makes you at all uncomfortable, please tell me. I don’t want to fuck this up. You’re the first really good thing to happen to me in a while and I’ve been so scared I’d mess it all up.”

Castiel pulled away, taking one of Dean’s hands in his own and rubbing the back of it with his thumb. “And  _ you  _ are the first really good thing to happen to  _ me  _ in a very long time. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one afraid he’ll mess it up, but I think we will be okay.”

Dean just smiled at him. “Yeah, I think we will too.”

They ended up finishing dinner with more light-hearted conversations. Both of them were somehow a little more comfortable after the incident, especially Castiel, who felt tremendously relieved to have gotten this off his chest. 

By the time they had finished talking, eating, and cleaning up the kitchen, it was past 10:00pm. Cas yawned, sinking deeper into the couch cushions.

“Shit,” Dean said, looking at the clock on the wall above the TV stand. “You want me to drive you home? I didn’t realise the time.”   
“Yeah, I should probably get some sleep.”

They got into the Impala and rode to Castiel’s apartment building. Dean got out to walk Cas to the door and Cas turned to him. “Thank you, Dean. Really.”

He nodded. “No thanks needed. I had a really nice time, as usual.”

“Maybe I’ll see you at the coffee shop on Monday?”

“Yeah, maybe you will. Have a good night, Cas.”

“You too.” He unlocked the door and let it swing open. Before Dean could turn to walk down the steps, Cas swiftly grabbed his hand and tugged him closer, placing a kiss on his cheek.

 

***

 

When Castiel went to unlock the door to Harvelle’s early Monday morning, he found a small bouquet of flowers of yellow, red, and orange, like a blooming flame, hanging from the handle, each labelled with a small piece of paper on a string. They read: gorse, freesia, ginger. Castiel smiled and took them in his hand, unlocking the door and stepping inside. 

Once the bagels were boiling, he took a moment to remove the library book on the language of flowers from his bag at the register and searched for the flower names. He had taken the book out about a week ago, planning on leaving Dean a message at the flower shop. These particular ones made him blush: endearing affection, trust, and strength. He was practically beaming when Ellen and Jo came in as he was arranging bagels and pastries in the display case. 

“Morning, Cas,” said Jo as she went behind the counter.

“Good morning, Jo,” he replied as he reached for the chalkboard.

“You seem happy,” said Ellen, amused.

“I am.”

“Does it have to do with your date this weekend?”

Cas nodded. “Maybe a little. Dean is my boyfriend,” he said proudly.

Ellen grinned. “That’s great news, kid! I knew it would work between you two.”

He couldn’t stop smiling, thinking of the flowers. All day at the register he seemed not to have any trouble. He didn’t feel anxious when he had to make change, or when the register’s computer was being so slow it was slightly awkward waiting for it to load, not even when he gave someone the wrong order. He just felt good.

In the late afternoon, Dean came into the shop and went to the counter.

“How’s it going, Cas?” he asked.

“I’m great, Dean,” Castiel said genuinely. He didn’t speak of the flowers; instead, he resolved to keep their floral conversations and verbal separate. Dean complied without any spoken agreement. “Can I get you anything?”

“Nah, I just wanted to stop by and say hi.”

“I see, well I actually have something to ask you but I don’t get off work until--”

“Get outta here,” Ellen appeared behind him and shooed him teasingly, taking over the register. “Your shift ends in a half hour anyway.”

“But--”

“Go make plans with your boyfriend.”

He nodded and went with Dean to their corner booth. “What’s up?” Dean asked.

“Well, my brother is getting married in a little town about an hour away from here this weekend. And I was sort of wondering if you’d like to come with me as my date.” He scratched the back of his head nervously.

“Absolutely. But don’t you have to RSVP for that kind of thing?”

“Yes, well my family is a little, um, well they’ve been wanting me to start dating again for a while. So Balthazar reserved two spaces for me…”

Dean laughed a little. “That’s pretty funny. Yeah man, I’d love to go with you.” He took one of Castiel’s hands into his own.

“Oh good,” he said, not bothering to hide the relief in his voice. “But there’s one other thing…”

“Yeah?”

“My family doesn’t know that I’m, uh, that I’m not  _ straight _ .”

Dean nodded. “You think they’ll have a problem with it?”

“My parents don't. But there are certain members that don't know and...may not be as accepting. I don’t want to force you into that kind of a situation.”

“Don’t worry about it, Cas. I’m not ashamed of this.”

This brought a smile to Cas’ lips. “I’m glad to hear that. It’s a date then.”

Although he was certainly glad Dean would be coming with him to the wedding, Castiel was not at all looking forward to the whole “coming out” part of the event. He hoped his family would not make it a big deal. He tried his best not to think about it, instead choosing to bring his focus back to the task of responding to Dean’s flowers.

 


End file.
